"We have a big-ass gym."

She was courteous, beautiful, and professional. I managed to avoid laughing; I couldn't, however, suppress a big-ass smile at the Beijing Kerry Hotel receptionist's suddenly-familiar phrasing while describing the hotel's other amenities. She's correct: "big-ass" appropriately describes the size of their gym. I didn't have the heart to explain her moment of incongruity.

This receptionist speaks good English. She's probably heard that Americans are informal by Chinese standards. I'm probably not the first person she's described the gym to this way. Previous patrons also probably stifled a laugh and most of a smile, but their eyes likely lit up. She may have marked this response as a moment of rapport. She might also just think that American businessmen really like their gyms.

We arrived at the hotel at around 9:30pm Beijing time. I fumbled around for a tip for the bellhop, who I tried to refuse. I would have carried my own bags but I wanted to accept the tea they offered me at the front desk. After fumbling for some time with RMB that all seemed exactly the wrong denominations, I settled on a $5 bill. I flipped through the TV channels for a few minutes to see if I could pick out any characters or syllables, then set an alarm and went to bed.

The hotel was luxurious. Major chords were the elevator chimes. Do-not-disturb signs are operated by a switch instead of a placard hung on the door. I discovered this when a note informed me I had left the do-not-disturb signal on, preventing the servicing of my room. There were a lot of switches on the wall.

The room's toilets were push-button operated for flushing, bidet-ing, and drying. There were even buttons for raising and lowering the seat. The thought, unbidden, arrived in my mind as "and here we are in America, raising our own seats like chumps!"

I wasn't able to find an alarm clock in the room, so I installed an alarm clock app on my laptop instead. The bathroom mirror had a built-in digital clock. My stay was at the height of luxury, and not what I expect is the normal standard of living in most of China. Or most of America, for that matter.